I Woke Up In A Dark Place

It’s Tuesday morning in Kenya.

A short while ago I was laying in the dark wondering what time it was. There was no sign of daylight. I reached for my phone and regrettably read 3:58am. “Oh, God. I only slept 5 1/2 hours.” That would make 13 hours sleeps since Saturday morning in Los Angeles. I can already feel the impact of sleep deprivation and I just woke up.

I know I need to sleep, but I can’t seem to calm my mind down.

Thoughts of the things Ashley and I want to do, need to do are invading my mind. Visiting the girls. Shopping. Driving. Looking for land. Visiting Daraja Academy. Visiting the girls who are away at boarding school. Visiting principles at two high schools. More shopping. Five days. Just five days.

My mind wanders to a dark place.

All I can think about are the girls. I think about everything they need. And I’m not talking about the requirements that will be purchased for them this week as a result of your kindness. I’m thinking about simple things like a diet that consists of more than beans, rice and maize. I’m thinking about the counseling that each of them needs.

I go to the dark side as I lay in the pitch black room. I think about stories of rape, and of mother’s suicides. And I think about the stories of parents, both parents, dying from HIV.

I can see the faces of the girls. I can see their smiles. But behind them, when they don’t think I’m watching, I can see their sadness. I’m thinking about their security. They need a place where they are not afraid and perhaps not so alone.

All I want for these girls is the chance for them to be a child.

My heart breaks when I ask myself, the universe, “My God, why am I here? Why have I taken this path? This path is so hard. I live so far away. We have so much to do and so little time. We have so much to do in five days. Will we accomplish it all? Is it even possible? Five days? Oh God, only five days.”

I closed my eyes and just started to breath. I just laid there and listened to my breath and not my panicked voice. I ate some snacks that I had brought, chatted with Jeff, and tried to let it all go.

I looked at the clock again and more than two hours had passed.

My heart rate has slowed and I am not so anxiety ridden. But my eyes are feeling heavy. It’s 6:25 in the morning and I already need a nap. In my exhausted fog, I realize that we have five days to do some amazing things. I will breath and see each of these five days as the gift that they truly are. I know they will go by so very fast, and yes, there is so much that needs to be done. But I know how lucky I am and I am so grateful that I am here.

And we have been blessed with five days to accomplish it all.

Rocky Sig


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15 Responses to “I Woke Up In A Dark Place”

  1. Jeff Turner August 25, 2009 at 12:02 am #

    And this is one of the reasons why I love her.

  2. Ginger Wilcox August 25, 2009 at 3:00 am #

    What you will accomplish in five days is nothing short of amazing. Be strong and be safe. The girls are incredibly lucky to have you.

  3. Karen Frederick August 25, 2009 at 3:17 am #

    Your are an amazing woman doing amazing things! I have no doubt that your accomplishments in the next five days will be an inspiration to others and appreciated more than you will ever know. In just the short time it took you to write this post, you will touch the hearts of many.

  4. jill mills August 25, 2009 at 5:01 am #

    Dave and I are praying for your trip and your accomplishments there…Im so blessed to read this and feel your heart and your willingness. If you only knew what an inspiration you are to others and how much so many of us desire to be the help that you are! You are changing lives and showing the love God desires us to show! Thank you for being you! Just take one breath at a time my friend! You will get all you can get done this trip!

  5. Jane T. August 25, 2009 at 5:33 am #

    I too join in the prayers. And, remember the difference you are making–not the differences you don’t have time, energy, or money to make. We all do what we can. We are all limited. We are human beings whom God uses as He can.

  6. Susan W August 25, 2009 at 9:45 am #

    breathe Rocky breathe… the amazing thing that you are doing for these girls is that you DO keep coming back. That shows them how committed you are to helping their lives. As they say Rome wasn’t built in a day 🙂 Your heart is in the right place and I know you WILL accomplish what you set out to do. So even if you only get 1 thing done in the 5 days you are there, remind yourself that you ARE an extraordinary person and that you are a blessing to these beautiful girls. You ARE their mom. I love you very much, I am so proud of you and stay strong. See you in a week 🙂

  7. Justin McHood August 25, 2009 at 8:38 pm #

    This is going to be a fun 5 days to follow!

    Keep up the good work, you inspire us all.

  8. Jeff Turner August 26, 2009 at 7:49 am #

    Thank you, Jill and Jane. I know Rocky will be strengthened when I read her your comments.

  9. Jeff Turner August 26, 2009 at 8:35 am #

    Susan, Karen and Ginger, your comments were held in moderation when I sent my last comment. I’ll read your messages to her later today.

  10. Carol Smith August 28, 2009 at 2:03 pm #

    Rocky – You were chosen by God to tackle this task on behalf of those girls. They need your strength and love, and you are always willing to share it with them. They love you, they appreciate you and they are SO grateful to have you, I’m sure.

    Special people are chosen to perform special tasks. You are one of those incredibly special people. Thank you.

  11. Karen August 29, 2009 at 11:34 am #

    I am so proud and inspired. Over the last few months I have been preoccupied with what is going on in my life, now I will concentrate on others as you have done. I will be holding a yard sale in approx. 3 weeks and 50% of everything I make is coming your way to help in whatever these girls may need. Be safe!! Can’t wait to hear from you again.

  12. Diane Aurit August 29, 2009 at 12:51 pm #

    Oh Rocky, you are just so amazing. I am just now catching up on your trip and you are almost home. Can’t wait to hear about your amazing 5 days~

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