I am a 34 year old survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I am also a survivor of spousal abuse. I have lived with this fact all my life. I not only hid it from everyone I knew, I hid it from myself as well. It had been eating my soul, piece by piece. I have realized that half of my life has vanished. It has been both unnoticed and unseen. It is too difficult for me to sit down or slow down to put my struggles to journal form.
I am ready now.
I no longer carry the load of shame. This is saved for my abuser. It is his turn. I choose to take life on, instead of fearing it. I choose to use my voice to educate, inspire and to help others. Because child abuse still happens. I speak for todays children who continue to be abused. I say to myself…
“You are forgiven, beautiful little girl, for all of the things that hurt you and scared you. You are forgiven, young and blossoming lady, for holding yourself back in fear and for numbing your pain. You are forgiven, struggling mother, for missing the mark of perfection you had been blindly leaping for. You are forgiven for the self inflicted wounds that you never realized you were making. You are forgiven, tired slave, for never being able to please your unjust taskmaster. You are forgiven for the boiling rage that you held inside.”
Let it go.
I need to let it go and see what lies ahead for me. I need to let it go and see the beauty that life has to offer me. I need to let it go and enjoy my life.
Let it go.
I have never let go of the rage. I desperately want to. I have realized that in order to live life, I need to love life. Now I understand as a 34 year old woman and mother of five, that I must love myself first.
I have finally come to understand that this was not my fault. I have come to understand that life does go on. I have learned to forgive, but not forget. For this has made me stronger. For this has given me the understanding why I am the person I am today. I now understand that it was not my fault. That these men in my life were cowards, and I need to forgive them. For they took my childhood and my young life as a woman away from me.
I am tired.
I am tired of letting them control me. It has been too long.
It is time. Time for me to take my life back.
I must let it go.
I forgive them. But more importantly, I forgive myself.